I just watched "What Dreams May Come" again.  I've been wanting to for a while, but it hasn't been available.  But it makes me wonder....  I've met so many wonderful men in my life.  Why, then, have I never fallen in love?  Perhaps this is a selfish thought.  I honestly don't know.  I love people, and I feel so wrong when I cannot return what has been freely given.  I want so badly to give back, but it's never equal, I think.  I know we all have egos, but I bet mine's a bit bloated.  Maybe constant ego-pms?  Who knows?

I recently had a gum infection.  One of my wisdom teeth is impacted, meaning it's not fully out of my gums, and therefore the gum is easily irritated--hence, the infection.  The only way to keep this from happening again is to have the tooth removed.  However, insurance does not cover wisdom tooth extraction, and the evaluation from a doctor even before the actual oral surgery costs $150.

This is not to mention the fact that my phone seems to be going haywire.  It's been getting steadily worse for the past two weeks.  It drops calls, the screen goes blank, and buttons may randomly press on their own.

I am a problem child, am I not?  I cost too much, and I'm not doing anyone any good.  I guess I finally had the power to put these feelings into words.  They swirl around inside my head for weeks, even years.  You could say it's like fermenting alcohol.  It's just dregs in the beginning until it comes out whole, potent, and hits you in the gut like a metal bat swing.  Sometimes I feel like I'm drunk on my own worries, words, disgust....  I wish I could puke it up, get it out without it ever coming back.  But it's like alcohol poisoning.  This liquefied person who is me just holds it in until more come to replace what's lost.

Anyway, lets move past the soup of my brain to look at the wonderful things that still dance around my snipped locks.  My mother had her first play this week.  I got to see it this afternoon, and I couldn't stop grinning;  I was so happy for her.  Unfortunately, having all those late nights have been very hard on her.  She's gotten a little sick.  Even through that, she had a fantastic performance.

And tomorrow, I go back to school to finish my summer-mester.  I'm really going to need that month off before fall term....  From what I've heard about acid trips, I'd say this was a clsoe second.

^_^  Anyhoo, hope you're doing well.  Much love to you!

I've discovered something about myself as I've been in college. I don't think I'll ever be the "keeping" friend. It's very difficult for me to maintain relationships with others without devoting a lot of time to them, and then that leaves my other friends out of the loop. Just as well, I have friends at home that I still love dearly, but it's been so hard to keep up with them while I'm away.

And I don't know where I'm going after this. It seems my sister is moving to Montana. I'm thinking about moving with her. Even if I don't, I know I'm not going to stay in TN with my mother.

...and I'll be making new friends, new bonds, that would serve the same purpose of the friends I have made in Berea, that had to be served from the friends I made in Highschool, and taken from the empty spaces that were friends in middle school. I know this all sounds very machine-like, but it's not meant to be. These people have meant the world to me and have molded my life in innumerable ways.

But I always get that feeling in the back of my mind: "Who am I going to meet next? Will I shape them, will they shape me?"

There are few people that I know I will keep in contact with, close or distant. I need people so much that this thought scares me. Who will I try to keep in contact with, will they care, will I try, have we grown apart? Some of my friends, it feels like we've already grown apart....or maybe just me.

Sometimes I feel so distant from everyone, as if I'm talking to them from the end of a tunnel, and it's too small to crawl through.

At home, my personality feels confined, as if the conventions of my past come back around to try and cage me. At college, I feel like people keep urging me to "Take this stand" or "Make something of yourself" and "Do you still believe in that old stuff?"

And I'm wrung out, folks. I'm still growing as a person, an individual. My basic faith and beliefs have not changed since I've come to college, but the methods in which I employ them have. And maybe yours have too. But just because I don't believe what you believe doesn't mean we can't get along or even be friends....friends for a short while until one or both of us gives up because during that length of time, we've changed more. Then, perhaps one or more of our beliefs have changed and we feel confined again.

Perhaps that's it. Maybe that's what's bothering me. I feel grown in new ways and old friends don't see it, and new friends don't acknowledge it. I can't every explain myself the way I wish - simple words and plain meaning. Doesn't there just HAVE to be more for everyone?

So it comes down to this: How do you say goodbye? Either you say goodbye to Self and try and remain friends, never stating yourself fully just to keep on friendly terms, or you say goodbye to your Friends and move on to friends that might understand a bit more.

Or maybe, perhaps, in that little flame that is your relationship, you both grow from the bond you've already established and you both change....

You know, I think of myself as a relatively loving person.  I love helping people and being around them, letting them tell me what's on their mind, hugging them, perking them up....  But sometimes, I run out of juice, you know?  And it's no one's fault; it just happens.

But that's usually the time that people start bashing you, it seems.  Over this last semester, I've been the friend to who knows how many people, and I've received in kind by a fair few.  And, occasionally, that doesn't feel like it's enough.  You can hug me as a friend, you can give me advice, and you can even tell me you love me as a friend, but--gosh darn it, you call me in the middle of the night, and I stay with you, and I call you AND YOU WANT TO GO BACK TO SLEEP.  At least, that's what it feels like...

And I'm not the kind of person to impose, either.  But if you ask me how I am in front of other people, I'm not going to spill.  You ask me ALONE - okay, let's talk.  And I try to do the same courtesy for my friends.

But I'm so exhausted most of the time now that I don't even have the energy to explain much of the time.  By the end of the day, I just want to crawl in bed and sleep.  And then, you know what?  That's when other people are up and want to chat...

*On another note, since this is bothering me:  One of my best friends is going through a tough time, and this is to him.  I have nothing against your girlfriend.  In fact, I don't blame her for anything.  I want to be loving for her, as I was when you were GONE.  I asked after her every day, and I wanted to make sure she was alright, just like you.  I was heart-broken when she hurt you, and she was crying to me, but I did not think her the worse for any of that.  I didn't, however, appreciate the way she DROPPED him like a hot-potato and ran back to you.  She hasn't treated you fairly in my opinion.  But that doesn't mean I hold a grudge.  You guys fight a lot, and being physical in public bothers me - which you both do quite often.  THAT'S WHY I DON'T WANT TO BE AROUND.  Not because I don't like her, but because it makes me uneasy to be around people who are arguing or being loving toward each other; that's something couples should do together, not with outside interference.  If you're doing things with a group, totally invite me; I'd love to join.  But if you're being together, just you two, it makes me a little nervous.

Besides that, now she's stated her opinion.  So, no matter what I do, she's not going to like me.  But she's not said any of this to my face.  I'm going to have a talk with her later, I think.  I just want to get it out in the open, in nice terms - no meanness or attacking of any kind, I promise.*

And, dang it, I'M A WOMAN - I have my days where I want to be held, days where I want to hold others.  It's as if all the affection I wasn't giving over the last 20 years has built inside me like a dam that might break.  Can you understand that?  Being around you makes me want to give, and I CAN'T.  And I'm lonely.  But if I'm not good for you, or you're not good for me, it's not going to happen, no matter how much the dam keeps growing.  That just means I'll have even more to give when I get to that point.

I've been through a crap lot this year, and I wouldn't trade it for the world because I LOVE YOU, and I want you to be happy.  I've got one of my best friends getting married in May, and I'm so happy for her.  Another friend got back together, and is having issues, God bless him.  Another two who are lonely, like me.  And another who got into a new relationship and is struggling.  Everyone else is getting spring fever and going nuts.....and I'm still stuck being me.  I can't change that, either.

I'm only human trying to make it in this world with God's help.  But, once again - I mess up.  I'm trying, but I don't know if I'm doing something wrong unless you tell me.  So, please, before you go jumping down my throat, talk to me about what's bothering you.  I might have accidentally done something wrong, or forgotten, or done something you didn't know about.

In other words, be kind.  And, for goodness sake, be a friend to a friend before you make accusations.

God bless.

There's just something about a well-written book or movie that makes you want to be in it.  I want THIS to happen to me.  I want THIS STORY to be my story.  Can't I have this moment?  Can't I have this little dream?  I want that impossible thing to happen to me and live to remember it.  That simple beauty makes it so hard for us to live in the real world at times and bear it all, because in books and movies, the pain is a beautiful thing.  We love these characters because they endure and still smile in the end.  They move on so quickly.  Why can't we?

And then those moments in movies where everything gets out in the open and fixed.  You have that perfect moment where you can finally say all you ever wanted to a person with the right words, without fumbling, and no interruptions---and be understood.  I've always wanted a moment like that.  Because, honestly, I don't talk like I write anymore.  As my writing gets better, my mouth gets worse, and I've never been able to master it.  I'll never sound smart unless I'm on paper.  I'll never look smart.  I'll never be smarter than the average person.  I mean, let's face it---I'm just not that good at being smart.  Maybe that's what endears people to me---my stupidity and silliness.  I guess that's okay.  But then, I get treated with that overbearing insensitivity of, "Well, don't worry about it.  Not everyone gets it on the first try,"  and then the degrading pat on the head that says, "You're my friend and I love you, but you just did something incredibly idiotic."

Most of the time, I don't mind.  But if it's over, and over, and over, and over.....  I get it.  Okay.  You've made your point.  I'm a little screwy.  But, I get it right when I have to, too.

And I don't remember things very well.  And I hate it.  I want to remember the things you've told me, the weirdly awkward moments we've shared, the silly things I've done.  I want to remember, but it just doesn't happen all the time, alright?  It's why I write so much.  Because if i don't, I'll forget the details, I'll forget the funny stories and the hard times.  And I have to ask, and then you'll give me that stupid look again (for the millionth time and make me feel worse because you probably told me something really cool and I haven't the slightest inclination anymore).

But I remember the BEST times:  the first time I held your hand, the first time you let me feed your son, the first time a boy kissed me, the last girl's night we had before graduation, the time my sister left for college, that day in science class when you showed me your wrist, when I met your family, when you told me your life story........  And the worst.

So, I want those movie moments that I can record and play-back.  Or the book written of all the greatest and worst times of our lives.  Because, for me, the stuff in between is what got us to the major stuff.  And in between is just the road---not the prize.  So, think of my memory like this---it's not really selective, it just gets a little fuzzy on what happened to get us to where we are, because where we are is what matters NOW.  And I'm thinking about now, because that's what gets me to tomorrow and gets me to the future.

And sometimes I hate it, but sometimes, I'm grateful for what God has taken from me.  It hurts, but doesn't it keep me focused?  And the only reason, the ONLY REASON, I pick on myself because of my memory is because I know you'll do it if I don't get to it first.  I still love you, whatever I forget.  Self-Deprecation is just another form of keeping people from doing it for you;  it's true, and you do it, too, so don't lie to yourself.

Now, don't get me wrong.  I like who I am.  But sometimes I get frustrated at how slowly I think, because I feel like the old Pac-Man game and everyone else is already on Final Fantasy.  I don't think I'm going to get past Pac-Man, and I'm content with that.  It's reliable.  And I'm reliable, however slowly I pick up on things, however much I forget, or whatever I say in blind stupidity.

You know this.  And if you didn't before, now you do.  And, just in case you were wondering, I was reading an awesome book that sparked this spew, NOT some specific person.  I'm not that spiteful, and you should also know that if I have something to say to you, I'd rather say it to your face in my awkward, stupid, silly way.

With that, I bid you a good evening.

Love.

Michelle by The Beatles

Michelle, ma belle
These are words that go together well
My Michelle

Michelle, ma belle
Sont des mots qui vont tres bien ensemble
tres bien ensemble

I love you, I love you, I love you
that's all I want to say
Until I find a way
I will say the only words I know you'll understand

Michelle, ma belle
Sont des mots qui vont tres bien ensemble
tres bien ensemble

I need to, I need to, I need to
I need to make you see
Oh, what you mean to me
Until I do I'm hoping you will know what I mean
I love you

I want you, I want you, I want you
I think you know by now
I'll get to you some how
Until I do I'm telling you so you'll understand

Michelle, ma belle
Sont des mots qui vont tres bien ensemble
tres bien ensemble
And I will say the only words I know that you'll understand
My Michelle